The Journal
by darkchakram
Summary: After Eve's death, Gabrielle convinces Xena to keep a journal to help her with her grief. Ares/Xena. One-shot.


The Journal

Eve has died. My daughter dead. I've buried yet another child. It's not natural this business of outliving one's children. I don't see how writing any of this down is going to help, but Gabrielle assures me that it will. Words have never been my strong suit.

The babe sleeps soundly in the cradle next to me. He has his mother's blue eyes, my blue eyes, my mother's blue eyes. Eve was strong. A fierce warrior. Yet childbirth took her life. There was nothing I could do. I begged her to let me seek divine help. She refused to let me call any of the Olympians. She was a true Elijian to the end.

ΩΩΩΩ

It's been two weeks. The boy is strong. We've named him Eli for his mother's prophet and our dear friend. The weather is nice. We took Eli outside for the first time today. The spring flowers were in full bloom. We are stuck here in Bithynia until the boy no longer requires a wet nurse. The Black Sea is tranquil and the fishing is good but I'll be glad to be on the other side of the Dardanelles. I miss Greece.

ΩΩΩΩ

Gabrielle and I fought today. It started over the smallest thing. I simply asked her to please quit using my boot knife to gut fish. Out of nowhere she started ranting at me. I know that it is cabin fever that is making her crazy. We are used to the open road, changing scenery, fresh clean mountain air. We apparently weren't meant for the sedentary life. Here, we are constantly in each other's faces. These close quarters have tested our friendship. It doesn't help that I talk in my sleep sometimes.

ΩΩΩΩ

Eli is three months old today. He reminds me so much of his mother at that age. His chubby little cheeks are so kissable. I wonder who his father was. Eve would never say. Probably one of her congregants that she didn't want to shame or embarrass. His coloring and features are so much like Eve's that it isn't hard to wonder if the child had been an immaculate conception like Eve herself, but surely Eve would have revealed it, if it were so.

ΩΩΩΩ

Gabrielle is mad again. She was pissed when I woke up. I'm pretty sure I know what triggered such anger. When I got up and started heating water for breakfast she said that if I was that hard up why didn't I just get some. I must have been talking in my sleep again. Maybe I should start sleeping in the stables. Or maybe she's right. Maybe I should just get some. A quick roll with a village local might jog Ares out of my dreams for a while. Gods I miss Greece.

ΩΩΩΩ

Eli is able to sit up on his own now. I miss his mother dearly. I wish she was here to share in all of his triumphs. A Roman soldier showed up at our door today. I was sure he was a tax collector until he asked for Eve. I could see the devastation when I told him the news. I led him to her tomb and then let him have some privacy. I didn't tell him of the boy. But, I am pretty sure that I have figured out why Eve kept the baby's father a secret. The Elijians would be devastated to know that their messenger was sleeping with the enemy. Still, there must have been something good in the man or Eve would have never bedded him. I've asked him to come back tomorrow.

ΩΩΩΩ

The Roman's name is Julius, of course it is! Eve hadn't told him about the pregnancy. He is secretly an Elijian, he has to hide this fact from his military superiors. I asked him how he reconciled being a soldier with Eli's path of peace. He said he had to pay the bills. I suppose there's truth to his words. He doesn't seem bloodthirsty. If anything he seems saddened by his vocation. He loves the boy. When I sat Eli on his lap, his whole face beamed with pride and love. Before he left, he visited Eve's tomb again. He misses her. I miss Greece.

ΩΩΩΩ

Gabrielle is done. My dreams are vivid, dark, and filled with sin. She knows who plagues my mind. She's taken to sleeping on the couch. I know that I shouldn't indulge in the fantasies but it has been months since I have had sexual contact with another human being. I miss Greece.

ΩΩΩΩ

Julius is staying with us. He has taken his severance from the army and started farming the place. I can't take his son from him. He's a doting father. He would have been here from the beginning had he known of the child's existence. He's a good, a noble man. They are a rarity. I see what my daughter saw in him. Eli will be okay, but I don't know how I will leave him. But Greece calls. It's been nearly a year since I've seen Ares. Does he care? Does he miss me? Has he even noticed that I'm gone?

ΩΩΩΩ

Finally, we are on the move again. It was a tearful goodbye but it had to be done eventually. Gabrielle is in a better mood. The open road has fixed her sour disposition. She's cheerful, talkative Gabrielle again. Settling down is definitely not for her. I dreamt of Ares again last night and she only joked about it. I'll be in Thrace by sundown. I know I'll feel his presence as soon as my boots kiss Grecian soil. Gods I miss Greece.

ΩΩΩΩ

Home! We passed through Amphipolis today. It's rebuilding nicely. I'm thinking of taking a detour to see if my grandparent's farm is still standing.

ΩΩΩΩ

The farmhouse was a little worse for the wear but it was still standing. As I stood at the entry, I could almost smell Ares there. I checked the bedroom. The crumpled sheets were still on the bed. Images from a treasured night flooded my brain. I couldn't resist. He had been mortal. I'd never experience him that way before, or since. Our secret, our night. He's never mentioned it. He'll never know how grateful I am for that.

ΩΩΩΩ

I saw Ares today. He's trimmed his beard again. It's barely there now. Hair cropped short. He's been working out too! His godly form is even godlier. We traded verbal barbs. Our foreplay. Gods I wanted to run to him. I deserve an Olympic laurel wreath for my restraint. He could tell that I missed him. His wicked stare spoke directly to my soul, my soul couldn't lie although my lips did. I'll be restless tonight. Sleep will be scant and filled with carnal images. Why do I torture myself?

ΩΩΩΩ

Tonight!

ΩΩΩΩ

Words can't express the joy of knowing him in that most intimate way. Tonight, again!

Those lips.

ΩΩΩΩ

I had put this scroll away for years. Imagine my surprise when I came across it today. I found it in the back of one of my wardrobes. It was still bound with the leather band that Gabrielle gave me all those years ago. Gabrielle! I miss her. What's it been now? Four hundred years? Yes, it has. This scroll was her idea. It got me through that year after Eve's death. I guess it served its purpose.

Ares is calling, now. We are headed to our Germanic castle for a family vacation. The kids are looking forward to the hunting. I am looking forward to some relaxation with my husband. The rest is much deserved. I've spent the last couple of centuries working on bringing the Roman Empire to its knees. It's now a shell of what it once was. Somewhere, Caesar weeps.

Xena: Warrior Princess

Goddess of War

476 A.D.


End file.
